Wednesday, 28 April 2010

A Friend's Status

is complaining that she can barely afford to eat but that her mate can afford to go down the pub all the time.

Her very next post, of course, is from Xbox regarding her gamerscore.

If you can afford to play on your 360, you can fuck off complaining, you prick.

People can barely afford to live at all, let alone in a fucking house and you complain from the comfort of your living room while playing your fucking games console? You're a twat, you are.

I listened to Shostakovich when he was underground.

Only listening to bands that nobody else has heard of doesn't make you cool. It just means you like really shitty bands, that's all.

Stop acting like you're so much better than everyone else because your new favourite band have a fan base of exactly six people - four of whom happen to be the mothers of the members whilst the other two are you and your fuckwit friend who doesn't actually have a taste in music, but listens to anything you say because it'll make him popular.

Yes, it's true that my favourite band aren't exactly huge and do remain quite underground to this day. It's also true that my second favourite artist happens to be one of the biggest sellers of all time, so your arguement can fuck right off, can't it?

The people who are huge fans until an artist actually starts being successful can fuck right off as well. Here's the logic - Bands are good. Bands get record deals because they are good, bands become more famous and bands can continue writing music.

Now here's the scenefuck logic - Band is good. Bands gets record deal. Band has sold out. Band are now dead to them.

Being a musician is still a job, ultimately. I know everyone has varying opinions on these things, but at the end of the day, people still need to make money. Making a CD isn't a cheap process and the artists have to pay for it, so yes, they will need to make money, at the very least to fund the next album. Would you prefer it if they never released a new album, because they didn't get signed and decided to call it a day?

Well, yes, of course you would, but that's because you're a fucking dick who just wants to be cool by listing off bands noone actually gives a shit about.

Don't tell me the reason I haven't heard of a band is because they're not big yet. If they were any good, you would have told me sooner, wouldn't you? Fucking prick.

My mates definition of what makes "real" music is if the artist struggled or not. Which is the most bullshit thing ever. You think Mozart really struggled? Or any of the greatest composers of all time? I mean, it's all relative but they had it easy. Does that mean The Planets Suite isn't "real" music?

Of course it doesn't. It means you're a cunt.

I've been working overnights. I'm tired and angry. I'm going to fucking bed.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010


There's one thing that really annoys me about myself, more than anything else.

It's the fact that my actual talent far outweighs my ability.

It sounds strange, but it makes perfect sense. What I can come up with in terms of music is amazing. The main issue is that I can't play it. I can't even come close to making a noise that vaguely resembles the concept that is going around in my head. It gets quite tedious.

It's like being a really good fuck if only I could get over this fucking erectile dysfunction.

I realise that, having just become single - Yes, Beyonce, my hands are up - I probably shouldn't be admitting such things on such a public domain as the internet. Of course, what I should do and what I actually end up doing are generally two very different things that might have once briefly met at a party before diverging paths greatly.

I have no idea where the fuck that analogy - or this entire post, for that matter - is going, but I'm going to run with it.

Anyway, the whole point is that basically, the songs I write and the songs I write are two completely different things. That may seem like a contradiction in terms, but then I'd suggest you merely pay more attention to what has been written previously and you might actually figure stuff out by yourself.

Let's recap, shall we?

-I write songs
-I can't play said songs
-I write different songs that are simplified versions
-I'm surprised they even let you near electronic equipment

See? Quite simple, really.

Anyway, I need to get dressed and go to work, so you finish this blog post yourself.

Actually, don't. You don't have the wit required for such a thing. Just, leave it. I'll get back to it. Or I'll leave it here like an abandoned puppy.

How can it be an abandoned puppy before I leave it somewhere?

I'll leave on that note.

Monday, 12 April 2010

This is not a clever title

So, thanks to Sof (I'm almost certain that she's the only person I actually reference within this blog, actually. At least on a regular basis) for bringing this to my attention.

You should probably all go and read THIS before I continue, or else this probably won't make too much sense. Although you'll probably grasp the gist of it. Make a mockery of my choice of colour should you desire, but it shows up on this background much better. Also, it's a fucking badass colour.

Anyway, I'm digressing.

This website, in case you couldn't tell because you can't read - in which case, you can get fucked but you don't know I said that, gutted - shows how each party voted in response to various issues in the LGBT community.

I love that acronym. It sounds like the best sandwich ever.

My first question, of course, is this: Why the fuck are they not all at 100%? If they are not gay, then why does it matter to them what gay people do? If they are gay, whether openly out or not (which is another issue entirely which can fuck off), why wouldn't they want to have equal rights?

I really have no idea why anyone would possibly vote against any of them, except for sheer fucking ignorance and bigotry.

Out of curiosity, how do you think they'd vote for black people having a different age of consent? Or adoption policies? I imagine they'd vote quite positively towards equality there. So what's the fucking difference? Yes, there's the issue of the years of black oppression and suchlike, but at the end of the day this all boils down to people being fucking pricks about issues that don't really concern them.

It's the conservatives I'm most concerned about, though. I mean, just look at that. Fucking hell. I know it's in your name, that you're conservative, but for fuck sake, just get off your high fucking horse and let people choose as they damn well please. The only place they even get a majority is on the civil partnership issue. Let's face it, even then it's a shockingly small amount, when you think about it. The rest of it just flat out offends me. So, yes, I'm not gay, we've covered this before, but I am quite involved with the LGBT community, simply because I've stumbled across these people in my life and they happen to be fucking legendary. The fact they chose an alternative sexuality is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't even enter into the equation.

Until times like these, of course, at which point I feel the need to shout at people and tell them that they (alliteration is fucking badass) really should just let people get on with what they do.

It upsets me, damnit, that I can't legally have sex with a 16 year old boy should I desire. It upsets me dearly.

That's not even a sick joke. If I wanted to sleep with a 16 year old girl, that'd be fine, if not considered slightly pervy and/or legendary, depending on the group of people. But to sleep with a 16 year old boy is a fucking CRIME. Where is the justice in that, may I ask?

Don't bother answering. There fucking is none. It's all bullshit. Vote positively towards gay rights, people. Vote for the people that will let it happen, even if they won't actively MAKE it happen. That's a fight we still need to win ourselves, unfortunately.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

To my dearest Sof...

Here is the blog I promised you earlier.

But this is all you're getting because it's 4 fucking am. Do you know where your kids are?

Because I do...

Wait... That came out a little more sinister than I expected.

Oh well. Good morning starshine!

Friday, 9 April 2010


"I think for the money, he was anyone's Asian"

That, ladies and gentlemen, was essentially the best thing I've ever heard.

The Little Dog Laughed. There are no words to describe that play. It was simply stunning. I mean, it also frustrated me a great deal, but that's a point I'll get to in my own fucking time.
So, essentially. Man is gay. Man is also famous. Famous gay people are clearly frowned upon. But famous gay man wants to play a gay man in a film about, oddly enough, gay men. This sentence is an excuse to type the word gay excessively.

He falls in love with a man. Who is not gay but is gay, if you see where I'm coming from. Cue twists and turns and a bittersweet ending that is tragically realistic and quite saddening, really. It even left me with the feeling that what we saw was the very story that they were trying to create, which was a great bit of satirical genius.
I shan't bore you with the details. I'd suggest you go see it but as it's closing tomorrow, I find it hard to believe that you will. Your loss, quite frankly.

Gemma was amazing. Such a great performance and looked simply stunning. But I leave such details to Sof, as she is the resident obsessive around here. Rupert Friend was fantastic as well, I was thoroughly convinced. So much so that I may have my doubts... Not that it's really my place to question, really. But this is me, so I'm going to do so anyway.

Harry Lloyd was great. Apart from anytime there needed to be a dramatic pause. Because they were far too dragged out. Just wait until he goes to take his coat. And wait. And wait. And WaOH FOR FUCK SAKE JUST GET ON WITH IT DAMNIT!

Tamsin Greig is pretty much my new favourite person. She was just genius. So well cast, she had the role down perfectly. She also has some of the greatest comedic timing I've ever seen and managed to even chuck in a little crowd interaction whilst remaining perfectly in character. Simply stunning.

So, the angry bit.

Why the fuck is it not OK to be gay? I mean, we apparently live in quite the tolerant society, so I've been told. The second someone is gay, however and the knives come out. Fuck that. As a straight man (I'd use inverted commas but that's clearly too subtle for some of you) I really don't understand the problem. I mean, I've never had to deal with the persecutive side of things but it's just stupid. Some people are gay. Deal with it. Some guys like other guys. There is no need to be afraid of it. It is not contagious, it is not a bad thing and most importantly, get fucked, you intolerant little shitbags.

Yes, women come out and are met by huge amounts of praise from the misogynistic masses because they think it's OK for girls to be gay, as long as they get to watch. Which, again, can go fuck itself with a rusty bargepole. Do they even make bargepoles out of metal? Does it matter? No.

I just get really annoyed by all this. I hear homophobic comments all the time. I get a fair few myself. I'm wearing pink shoes today. This leads to no end of entertainment from the guys in the office with all of seven brain cells between them. Apparently, pink is an exclusively female colour and if you wear it, you've either got tits or you like penises. I must have missed a meeting, it seems.

Fuck it. I'm going back to work to eat lunch and pontificate on such matters. And I will probably end up shouting at someone.

Oh well. Never mind. It's no longer my problem to care.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

A little behind the curve.

But there's an energy drink called Pussy.

Which is accurate, as if you drink it, you look like a cunt.

That's all the witty banter for this evening, I'm afraid. Tomorrow there will be discussions about plays and Tamsin and other such matters of great importance.

Monday, 5 April 2010

The Arrogance of the Rock Scene

Sometimes, just when I think that the vast majority of the rock scene couldn't get any worse, I get proven deeply and categorically wrong. I'm not a huge fan of any type of scene, really, but there's always some fucker in the rock scene that makes matters worse for them. It's the sheer arrogance of it that really frustrates me, to be quite honest. I only remain part of it because I enjoy ridiculing people and, well, there's occasionally a good bit of music going on too.

So, upon reading Facebook and noting a friends status, I get incredibly irked over nothing. Which, in all fairness, is my go-to mind state as far as the internet is concerned.

A friend of a friend commented on a status, with something along the lines of "The thing I love about listening to metal, is it makes me appreciate other genres like blues and stuff" - I can't remember it verbatim, as this was a while ago and it has just resurfaced, but you get the general idea.

This set me off into an annoyance like no other... Well, no other that day, at least.

It's so stupidly arrogant, isn't it? It's not just me that thinks that, surely? I mean, for a start, I happen to know that I started off my musical loving life as a huge fan of hip hop. I now currently have one of the most diverse tastes in music going. Sof is the same, except she got her grounding in classical music and show tunes, as far as I recall - We discuss these things after several beverages so sometimes the minor details get left out, but that's basically it.

The reason you like other types of music is because you're a fan of music. That's all it is. Being into metal doesn't make you suddenly understand the intricacies of everything else, it's the fact you ALREADY like the fucking stuff, you just hadn't heard it.

Fuck sake, metal is just the blues for whiny shitty middle class white people who have no idea what the fuck struggle actually is. "Boohoo, my life is so hard!" is a main feature of half the stuff out there and it's quite simply bullshit.

You feel like an outcast because you dress different? Hey, try being black, female or, god forbid, a black female in the previous fucking century. That's struggle. That is real problems there. That's why blues is so much better. Because they were fucking miserable because they had no fucking choice. You choose to outcast yourself. You can listen to the music you want, but you're so obsessed with sticking to this godamn dress code and image that nobody has forced upon you that you will complain that you're being discriminated against, because you look like a twat.

Persecution? Tell that to the millions of Jewish people who were killed. Discrimination? You try telling that to the families of slaves. Or the women who suffered for the rights to be treated as a fucking equal, nothing more. Don't you fucking dare tell me you have it hard. You have first world problems and you should consider yourself very fucking lucky.

Which brings me to my next point, in a roundabout fashion.

There were some twats in the queue for some club night. Basically a group of pricks, defined by the scene I previously described. My friend was there in a batman hoodie - You know, the badass one, where the hood is the cowl and it has a cape that you can clip on because you're fucking awesome.

So they proceeded to spend the next half hour talking about it. About how he should've worn a metal hoodie, as this was a metal night. Get fucked, you little shit. You're not so different anyway. Wearing a Famous tshirt? That's still a label. You're not cool. You're not individual. You're far from fucking unique. You're a jumped up little shit who needs to grow the fuck up.

If this carries on and I make it past 30 without having a fucking nervous breakdown, I'll consider that an achievement

Sunday, 4 April 2010


I remember wanting to be a doctor at some point when I was young. This fact tickles me in quite the fashion. Honestly, can you imagine me as a doctor? One of the least caring or compassionate people around?

"Doctor, I think I have AIDS."
"Twat. Should've bagged it up then."

Repeat for the entirety of my career as a practitioner before my early dismissal over some sort of dispute about just WHAT I was trying to do to that child. Clearly I was trying to help. I'm just that kind of guy.

No, I do not imagine that being a doctor plays out almost exactly as an episode of Scrubs does, I just generally don't care about what I'm doing or people in general. There are specific cases, but on the whole people can go fuck themselves with tridents. Not the chewing gum. Although that would lead to some highly interesting A&E appointments. I suppose, though, so would being penetrated by an actual trident.

...How would someone even DO that?

I love the fact the question is "How" and not "Why". I think it's details like that that set me apart from the average individual.

In more pressing subjects, Sof is back in town. When myself and Sof get together, things tend to get quite judgemental very quickly. This occasion was no different. Fuck those guys. It annoys me that anywhere I go is so full of people that are too scene for their own good. I don't even mean scene in the emo fashion. I mean scene for each individual style of music and/or person. Although anyone who identifies themselves purely by what music they listen to is a twat who should have been drowned at birth. To be on the safe side, I hereby declare that all babies be drowned at birth.

I'm like King Herod in the bible, I am. Apart from the fact I'm actually real. Suck it, Christians. Both the religious followers and anyone called Christian. Because you have a cunt of a name.

Also, London prices can get fucked.

Sonic Boom Six and No Doubt being played towards the end of the night is always good though. As is sitting around chatting shit all night. Myself and Sofia get VERY political when we drink. And then we listen to Legally Blonde and Hair and so many other things because we are so much better than you.

Now, in other news:

How fucking adorable is THAT? I know it's a break in character, but fuck it, I just discovered these the other day and they are fucking epic.

Now, go fuck yourselves, because I have a reputation to keep up and that picture destroyed about half my credibility.