An open letter to Katy Perry

Hi there Katy. Do you remember me?

No, probably not. I'm that little voice that keeps nagging at you, telling you to stop doing what it is that you're doing. No, not your conscience. That's given up quite some time ago, I'm sure. I'm that dissenter who keeps pointing out just how abhorrent a person you are.

Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you with so many big words. I can wait here while you look them up, if you'd like? I'm not telling you, as that would just defeat the object - You'll never advance as an individual if people continue to hand you the answers to everything.

I couldn't help but notice that, despite my constant complaints, you've continued existing. That saddens me. What depresses me more, though, is that you've gone and released another album.

Did I not make it clear enough last time? Despite how hideous I found everything that you released into the charts, I still had to listen to the album before I gave a real judgement.

I regretted that decision instantly. It upset me. There are so many wasted opportunities for many great pop songs on that album - believe me, it pains me to admit that anything to do with you could be good - but they were ruined by your presence. Your hideous voice, your painful intonation and your atrocities of the english language that you call lyrics.

So, imagine my surprise when I found myself enjoying your new single.

No, I'm joking. I'm happy to say that you're even worse than you were before, somehow. You've taken all the positives from your previous album and just stricken them from the record. You're an idiot. You've actually ruined my day. I didn't think it was possible for you to do that. Along you trot, though, with a mention on the radio and the autotuned, pseudo-dance song that you call a single and I call a crime against music.

Please, I'm begging you. Reconsider the release of your album. I'm certain that it's probably banned under the Geneva Convention as a cruel and unusual punishment anyway. At least save some face and make sure that it doesn't see the light of day. It's for the best. For you and for music.

Yours,
Jacques.

P.S. - I'm not sure if I made this clear enough, but fuck you.

Tonight...

I met a man more pretentious than me. It was amazing. I finally got to have a taste of what it's like to be like anybody that has ever spoken to.

He tried to tell me Warning was the worst Green Day album. Needless to say, I tried to tell him that being on fire is not going to be beneficial to his health. He didn't listen to me.

At least he kept me warn for the evening whilst smoking.

Sof keeps complaining my blogs are too short. So I'm ending it here to spite her, despite having a great deal more to say.

Ra-ra-Rasputin!

Seriously, why aren't you listening to Boney M right now?

What are you? Racist?

I bet you voted BNP yesterday, didn't you? Cunt.

To whom it may concern.

Fuck you.

This is a blog for Sof

Hello Sof! Have a blog! It's no masterpiece, but you get what you pay for, really.

A Friend's Status

is complaining that she can barely afford to eat but that her mate can afford to go down the pub all the time.

Her very next post, of course, is from Xbox regarding her gamerscore.

If you can afford to play on your 360, you can fuck off complaining, you prick.

People can barely afford to live at all, let alone in a fucking house and you complain from the comfort of your living room while playing your fucking games console? You're a twat, you are.

I listened to Shostakovich when he was underground.

Only listening to bands that nobody else has heard of doesn't make you cool. It just means you like really shitty bands, that's all.

Stop acting like you're so much better than everyone else because your new favourite band have a fan base of exactly six people - four of whom happen to be the mothers of the members whilst the other two are you and your fuckwit friend who doesn't actually have a taste in music, but listens to anything you say because it'll make him popular.

Yes, it's true that my favourite band aren't exactly huge and do remain quite underground to this day. It's also true that my second favourite artist happens to be one of the biggest sellers of all time, so your arguement can fuck right off, can't it?

The people who are huge fans until an artist actually starts being successful can fuck right off as well. Here's the logic - Bands are good. Bands get record deals because they are good, bands become more famous and bands can continue writing music.

Now here's the scenefuck logic - Band is good. Bands gets record deal. Band has sold out. Band are now dead to them.

Being a musician is still a job, ultimately. I know everyone has varying opinions on these things, but at the end of the day, people still need to make money. Making a CD isn't a cheap process and the artists have to pay for it, so yes, they will need to make money, at the very least to fund the next album. Would you prefer it if they never released a new album, because they didn't get signed and decided to call it a day?

Well, yes, of course you would, but that's because you're a fucking dick who just wants to be cool by listing off bands noone actually gives a shit about.

Don't tell me the reason I haven't heard of a band is because they're not big yet. If they were any good, you would have told me sooner, wouldn't you? Fucking prick.

My mates definition of what makes "real" music is if the artist struggled or not. Which is the most bullshit thing ever. You think Mozart really struggled? Or any of the greatest composers of all time? I mean, it's all relative but they had it easy. Does that mean The Planets Suite isn't "real" music?

Of course it doesn't. It means you're a cunt.

I've been working overnights. I'm tired and angry. I'm going to fucking bed.