Do They Know...?

So, it seems a few people were calling my last “piece”, as I like to sound like I did something of significance rather than just babble on for over a thousand words about how much I don’t like something, “witty, hilarious baiting of the music industry”. However, MOST were calling it the “Deluded rantings of a twelve year old crack-addicted victim of gang rape.” Of course, as my last bit of writing demonstrated, you can’t trust a fucking thing the masses will have you believe, so fuck them.

There are many things that offend me about the music industry. The lack of decent talents, the fact that small labels cannot compete with the larger, even with the world wide web (which, as we all know, is 90% pornography, 9% torrents and 1% of actual useful information). I could rant on about these issues for quite some time. But bollocks to that, I have more bitter and twisted words to say than your mum has had clients back to hers for what she probably told you was “a friendly chat ”. She was lying, by the way, in case you didn’t already get the implication that your mother was indeed a hooker, who gave it up for 12 years after you were born due to a fumble in a back alley and a broken condom, because you may very well be one of the emo fucktards that I wrote about previously. There is more than enough anger and aggression to go around, so I’ll just start with something small and insignificant, much like your penis and/or breasts (because, as we know, the world isn’t image obsessed ENOUGH yet, is it? No, much better that you have just another insecurity to write poetry and cut yourself over)

Alright, I’ll be honest, the issue is not small, I just felt the need to insult you. In fact, this image is rather large. I’m fairly certain that you’ll be aware of it, even those that didn’t have a clue about that “scene” malarkey.

Bands who care. And I can assure you, I’d be writing care with those stupid little bunny ears everybody feels the need to make when they’re being sarcastic, if only there was a way of portraying those in this bloody works document. No, I don’t mean quotation marks, you silly little shitbag, I’m fully aware of their existence, they just don’t actually symbolize what I mean, they are, shocking enough, QUOTATION marks. As in, for quotes.

Anyway, that seems to have gone off the point somewhat, something I can assure will happen on several occasions during this particular rant, or anything else I write about, seeing as I don’t really have enough to say about one specific subject, so I get quite tangential so that you don’t actually notice that I’ve said bugger all. I think this previous statement proves my point perfectly, because I’m at the end of the fifth paragraph and still yet to write anything about the entire point of this.So, bands who “care” - Yes, I’m using them for the sake of the fools who can’t actually work out that I’m being sarcastic, despite the fact I told them 2 FUCKING PARAGRAPHS AGO! - I have issue with these people.

But why, you ask? “Why Jack?! You seemed like such an intellectual in your previous writings, and now you say something as stupid as this?!”. Yes, yes I do. Because these bands don’t care beyond their own publicity. See, I can see the confused look upon your faces already, so allow me to explain, using what would probably be the most prominent example. U2. Or, more specifically, Bono.

“Oh, but what about LiveAid?” What about LiveAid? Or Live8? Or LiveEarth? Or LiveGiveMeABigSackOfCash? I know they didn’t make any money directly from that event. Which is good, fantastic, super smashing great, in fact. People who needed that money or the publicity got it, and that I have absolutely no problem with. However, and I know some of you are wondering what my next point is going to be, so I shan’t delay you with any more filler sentences such as this one, what do you think they got out of it? Masses of publicity? A fuckload of record sales off the back of this event? And, I ask you, did ANY of those extra record profits go to the charity that in actual fact HELPED U2 and all the other artists to make more filthy piles of cash for them to roll around in? I think not. I may be mistaken, but I don’t think I am.

One thing I am sure of, however, is the fact that U2 moved their record label to Switzerland. What do you think that was for? The Swiss running out of money, and that U2 are supporting another impoverished nation? If you think that, then you probably don’t even understand what the word impoverished means, so I’d suggest you stop reading now, because, it seems, I may have some slightly controversial opinions coming forward now.

I think that they may gave done it simply for the money. Now, I know that the fans of U2 currently are unable to express their disgust at this statement, but that’s simply because they’re far too busy making out with Bono’s genitalia, which they are currently trying to dislodge from between their teeth. So, allow me to speak for them, yes?

Well, I could try to, except for the fact I’d need to remove two ribs, so that I could practice the art of auto-fellatio to teabag myself, to even BEGIN to talk as much bollocks as a brainwashed U2 fan can manage. That band currently have enough money to throw away thousands of pounds on suing someone, over a hat.

Yes, a hat. And, of course, with that sum of money, you’d expect it to be some sort of jewel encrusted golden crown. Of course, you’d also be wrong. It’s just some ordinary Stetson. Similar to the ones you’ll see Bono sporting every moment of his charitable existence. Well, in the moments between him walking from one of his luxurious mansions, of which he probably has more than the entire third world has houses in total, to his limousine (Helping stop world pollution too, eh Bono?), you’ll see him wearing these same bloody hats.

I digress. U2 are a bunch of hypocritical dickweasels who actually believe their own bloody hype. And while I’m on the matter, Coldplay can fucking do one as well. I’ve ranted on too long, so I shall just say this. What the fuck is wrong with you, you new age hippy dickhole? Naming your child Apple? Do you hate them even before they’re old enough to form a personality which, I might add, they clearly won’t be getting from their father, who is devoid of anything even resembling an interesting feature, right down to the constant gormless look on his face. Apparently he writes amazing songs, which I would class as an interesting aspect of his otherwise needless existence, except that I’ve yet to hear the bloody things. All I’ve heard are the atrocious albums they continue to release despite complaints from the UN of noise pollution.

I’ve digressed again. Shortly, Apple’s good old dad (Yeah, right, as if Gwyneth wasn’t working her way around Hollywood behind his back) has doomed the poor girl to a life of mockery. And not just because of the stupid fucking name (See, even I’m doing it), but down to the fact that her parents are Chris fucking Martin and Gwyneth fucking Paltrow.

I rest my case. Goodnight.