Sunday, 31 August 2008

Someone has this...

Tattooed to them. Forever.


There really is nothing left to say. You have a down syndrome Katy Perry permanently marked up your body. I can't take the piss out of that, it's just so steeped in self-mockery that to hurl abuse about it would be superfluous.

You are literally the joke and the fucking punchline. I salute you.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Ting Tings...

Do you think that maybe if you spent less time telling us what your name ISN'T and just told us outright what it is, you could maybe, I don't know, WRITE A DECENT FUCKING SONG?

Just a thought.

If you're going to get a record deal, at least do something with it, for fucks sake. There's many bands out there that would kill for what you have and you do fuck all with it except churn out generic wankery that I could do in my bedroom with a synthesizer and a bottle of vodka to remove my sense of integrity.

Oh and if you could stop ripping off CSS, I'd be grateful. It was good when they did it. When you do it, it just feels like I'm being gang raped in the ear by several large penises. Even that would be preferable, I think.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Elvis isn't dead....

But Isaac Hayes is.

Good. Hypocritical scientologist wanker.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

A Disection of Katy Perry...

No, unfortunately I don't mean I'm going to cut her up on an autopsy table (although let's face it, that would be highly preferable)

Nope, I'm merely going to go through the lyrics of the song "I Kissed A Girl" and try to fucking understand what the fuck is the obsession.

Ready? Lets begin.

"This was never the way I planned, not my intention"
I beg your pardon? You didn't intend to do it? That, my dear, is equivalent to saying "I didn't mean to stab those french students, officer! I just tripped and fell A HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES!" (Controversial? Maybe. Fuck you? Definitely)
It doesn't happen. Stop lying to yourself and to us. We deserve better.

"I got so brave, drink in hand. Lost my discretion"
I see. So, you didn't mean to do it? You were just drunk? That's akin to me saying I didn't mean to run over that girl, I was wankered. Stop making fucking excuses. Also, why do you need to be discreet? Are you ashamed of it?

"It's not what I'm used to, Just wanna try you on"
Translation: "I'm not really like this, so I'm going to use you. Because I'm a cunt".

"I'm curious for you, caught my attention"
Evidently she's like a magpie, attracted to shiny fucking objects. Was it the earrings? Or the necklace? Or the shitty fake tan that made her glow from six miles away?

"I kissed a girl, and I liked it"
See my previous post for my views on this particular line.

"The taste of her cherry chapstick"
Fuck off. A cleanly shaven bloke wearing cherry chapstick would have had the same effect on you, so stop fucking writing inane shite just because it fucking rhymes.

"I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"
So, you cheated on your boyfriend? Oh, of course, I forget. Girl on girl is acceptable terms for unfaithfulness. Bullshit. Heed this warning, everyone. Katy Perry will cheat on you with a female for a barcadi fucking breezer.

Also, it's "doesn't". Learn some fucking grammar.

"It felt so wrong, it felt so right"
Stop judging yourself by the stupid shitty standards you're expected to and come out the fucking closet. Unless of course you're writing this to seek attention. But you'd never do that, would you? Of course not.

"Don't mean I'm in love tonight"
No, you're right. It doesn't. This goes without saying. I'm sure I've kissed plenty of girls when I've been drunk and fairly certain I wasn't in love with them. At least I had the good grace to be single at the time. Is this line aimed at the girl you kissed or the guy you're currently seeing? Dick.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
Fuck off

"I liked it"
I heard you the first time. Fuck off.

"No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter"
"Hi, I'm Katy Perry. I don't care who you are, because I'm a massive slag"

"You're my experimental game, just human nature"
You are doing nothing to endear yourself to me, I can assure you. Just another line about how much you don't care about other people in the search for your own satisfaction.

"It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave"
According to who, exactly? Who the fuck are you to judge how anybody else should behave? What gives you the fucking right to tell people that girls who kiss girls are not good? Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

"My head gets so confused, hard to obey"
So stop fucking about with people who are not only your boyfriend, but in fact the complete opposite gender. Your head isn't confused, it's just that tiny little pain of a thing called your fucking conscience.

*Repeat chorus*
Or, alternatively, turn the fucking song off.

"Us girls, we are so magical"
So were witches. You do have one thing in common though. I do want to burn you at the fucking stake.

"Soft skin, red lips, so kissable"
Alright, we get it. You like girls. It's not a big deal these days, you know. I don't care.

"Hard to resist, so touchable"
.. Are you not just repeating yourself now? Allow me to repeat myself. FUCK OFF.

"Too good to deny it"
So come out the fucking closet already.

"Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"
Define innocent, please. Because I want to know what fucking dictionary you're reading from to think that you're innocent. Is it the Oxford Dictionary for Fucking Cunts?

*Repeat shitty chorus again*

Thankfully, the song does end. Not until 3 minutes that feels akin to being sodomized by a blue whale have passed (Fact fans: Blue Whales have 16ft penises!)

Someone should kick this woman in the testicles she so fucking evidently has.

If you've bought this record, fuck you for supporting one of the most awful artists of this year.

Monday, 11 August 2008

I'm Not Gonna Write You...

A love song?

No, you're going to spend much more effort writing a song detailing specifically how you are NOT going to write him (or her, thank you Katy fucking Perry) a love song.

Although, by titling it "Love Song" you have indeed defeated the entire fucking purpose of it. Yes, it's not a "love song" but it IS a "Love Song".


Head underwater? I'm hardly fucking surprised. Actually, I am

Surprised anyone would let you back up again.

Although, I'll be honest. Going through all that effort to spite someone would be awesome. If it wasn't for the fact that it's blatantly fictional. No one's ever asked you to write them a love song, have they?

Well, they fucking wouldn't have if they'd heard what your songs sound like.

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

She's So Lovely...

Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite hear you, Scouting for Girls.

Could you possibly repeat that another SEVEN FUCKING TIMES? Of course you could. And do so, in fact.

8 times. Every chorus.

Pop music is just getting fucking lazy now. It's not even a good lyric. Or an interesting melody. In fact it sounds like a bunch of unimaginative cunts singing something that will sell to an audience of 4 year old mentally handicapped children.

Fuck off, you dickheads.

Also, Elvis IS fucking dead. Get over it.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Dear Katy Perry

You kissed a girl and you liked it, did you?

Well, guess what. So did I, except I didn't feel the need to write a shitty fucking song about it.


Disaster Movie

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, another one.

No, I'm not talkng about the blog post (Although fuck it, you should consider yourself forewarned), but these shitty fucking "parody" movies that keep popping up (I hate using quotation marks in that manner, but I want to make sure you understand what I'm getting at. The things I do for the intelectually challenged, eh?)

How the fuck do these things keep getting made?

Alright, I already know the answer to that question. Because they make OBSCENE amounts of cash for the studios, that's why.

And how do they do this? Because you keep fucking watching them. Why the fuck would you keep doing this to yourself?!

I'll admit, I've seen Meet The Spartans. I know, I know, leave me alone, I've fucking suffered enough after that fucking movie! ("Hey! Let's parody that scene from James Bond! You know, the one with balls in it?! LAWLZ!")

My friend invited myself and my girlfriend to go see this film. I asked my girlfriend and off we went. Turns out, I didn't want to see this film and neither did she. Which is good, because it means I'm not going out with an idiot and she won't need to be dumped on a beach somewhere in portugal (Yeah, it's a Madeline reference, so what? The case is fucking closed so I can finally take her out the basement, the smell is getting a bit much. Find that offensive? Then go read something else, overly-sensitive dickweed) (Also, on that note, why the fuck did everyone care so much about Madeline? Children go missing every fucking DAY in Portugal. But noone gives a fuck until a white middle class family ki... sorry, LOSE their daughter. I smell bullshit. Just because we're an english speaking country doesn't mean we shouldn't give a fuck about everyone else in the world. Hence my viewpoint: Fuck them all, regardless of race, gender or class. Fuck you if you disagree)

Anyway, these movies make stupid amounts of cash. Here's some rough stats for you:

Meet the Spartans budget: approximately $30,000,000
Meet the Spartans worldwide gross: $84,171,878

Epic Movie budget: approximately $20,000,000
Epic Movie worldwide gross: $86,835,512

Date Movie budget: approximately $20,000,000
Date Movie worldwide gross: $78,548,426

How many people are seeing these fucking movies? Honestly. I ask myself this question over and over again and even I don't believe there's that many idiots in the world. Some people must be seeing these twice. I'm not sure how. Maybe they watched it a second time because the humour's too fucking sophisticated for their tiny minds to comprehend.

Or maybe there really IS that many fucking idiots out there. I don't know. Frankly, I'm scared for the human race if there is.

I wouldn't mind, but the thing is, this style used to be fucking AMAZING. Airplane and Naked Gun being the movies that spring to mind. GOOD parodies. One's that don't rely on fart jokes and people getting hit in the crotch. (Don't think Leslie Nielsen is without flaws though, some of the shit he churned out hurts more than a barbed wire enema)

Even Mike Myers is in on rehashing every joke in every film he makes. It's a fucking shame, the guy who wrote possibly my favourite comedy movies (Wayne's World, if you must know) just churning out the same jokes as he did in Austin fucking Powers.

Fuck it, I'm going to watch Funny Games again. I wouldn't recommend you do likewise, I'm not sure you'll be able to handle it.

Nickelback's "Rock Star"

You seriously think you're the only person who has noticed that this song is steeped in irony?

Fuck off you twat. It's blindingly obvious, unless you happen to be a complete fucking idiot.

I'd imagine that the only person who doesn't notice the irony is Chad Kroeger himself. Probably because he's too busy sat there writing sub-par Bon Jovi-esque country rock.

Or maybe it's just because he's a cunt.

The best thing about this song is that it merely allows Nickelback more fortune and fame than they ever would have before. Enabling them to live the lifestyle they are oh-so "ironically" mocking.


Sunday, 3 August 2008


No. Fuck off.

Seriously. If you were deemed interesting enough for me to actually comment upon your photo's, I would do so of my own free will. Asking me to is not only tragic and fucking annoying, it also makes me less inclined to do so. So much less inclined to do so, in fact, that I decided to spend a much greater period of time ranting into a blog that nobody will read.

Seriously, though: You are a fucking idiot. Stop posting these bulletins. We don't care. I'm not commenting on your photo. In fact, I can't remember the last time I commented on a photo. More importantly, I don't care.

Mind you, I find it slightly more infuriating that people will only ever comment on the promise of a return comment. Honestly: Are you that fucking sad? If you had something worthwhile to say about a fucking photo, say it! And if you don't, then I guess you'll have to do without that precious comment. Because you wouldn't ever post some inane drivel, would you?

Yes. Of course you fucking would. You're a fucking idiot, just like your friend asking for comments.

So, we have legions of mindless idiots posting the same "Beautiful" "Stunning" "Gorgeous" comments over and over and over a-fucking-gain.

Honestly. Read a fucking thesaurus. Please. If you must insist on posting this crap, at least post it in a slightly different manner to the past threefuckinghundred dickheads. Learn some correct grammar while you're there too, although that would be nothing short of a miracle, so I shall just remain in hope on that particular subject.

Why do you care? Why are you asking for these comments? Does everybody elses' opinion really matter? Are you so desperate to appear popular that you'll resort to something just short of begging?

That's rather inane, by any one's standards.

In fact, I expect people not to care about this blog post. Carry on posting your stupid requests for feeble comments, at least that will show you don't care about one person.

Still, you're a fucking idiot for those posts in the first place.