No, unfortunately I don't mean I'm going to cut her up on an autopsy table (although let's face it, that would be highly preferable)
Nope, I'm merely going to go through the lyrics of the song "I Kissed A Girl" and try to fucking understand what the fuck is the obsession.
Ready? Lets begin.
"This was never the way I planned, not my intention"
I beg your pardon? You didn't intend to do it? That, my dear, is equivalent to saying "I didn't mean to stab those french students, officer! I just tripped and fell A HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES!" (Controversial? Maybe. Fuck you? Definitely)
It doesn't happen. Stop lying to yourself and to us. We deserve better.
"I got so brave, drink in hand. Lost my discretion"
I see. So, you didn't mean to do it? You were just drunk? That's akin to me saying I didn't mean to run over that girl, I was wankered. Stop making fucking excuses. Also, why do you need to be discreet? Are you ashamed of it?
If so, STOP WRITING FUCKING POP SONGS ABOUT IT, YOU FUCK!
"It's not what I'm used to, Just wanna try you on"
Translation: "I'm not really like this, so I'm going to use you. Because I'm a cunt".
"I'm curious for you, caught my attention"
Evidently she's like a magpie, attracted to shiny fucking objects. Was it the earrings? Or the necklace? Or the shitty fake tan that made her glow from six miles away?
"I kissed a girl, and I liked it"
See my previous post for my views on this particular line.
"The taste of her cherry chapstick"
Fuck off. A cleanly shaven bloke wearing cherry chapstick would have had the same effect on you, so stop fucking writing inane shite just because it fucking rhymes.
"I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"
So, you cheated on your boyfriend? Oh, of course, I forget. Girl on girl is acceptable terms for unfaithfulness. Bullshit. Heed this warning, everyone. Katy Perry will cheat on you with a female for a barcadi fucking breezer.
Also, it's "doesn't". Learn some fucking grammar.
"It felt so wrong, it felt so right"
Stop judging yourself by the stupid shitty standards you're expected to and come out the fucking closet. Unless of course you're writing this to seek attention. But you'd never do that, would you? Of course not.
"Don't mean I'm in love tonight"
No, you're right. It doesn't. This goes without saying. I'm sure I've kissed plenty of girls when I've been drunk and fairly certain I wasn't in love with them. At least I had the good grace to be single at the time. Is this line aimed at the girl you kissed or the guy you're currently seeing? Dick.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
Fuck off
"I liked it"
I heard you the first time. Fuck off.
"No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter"
"Hi, I'm Katy Perry. I don't care who you are, because I'm a massive slag"
"You're my experimental game, just human nature"
You are doing nothing to endear yourself to me, I can assure you. Just another line about how much you don't care about other people in the search for your own satisfaction.
"It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave"
According to who, exactly? Who the fuck are you to judge how anybody else should behave? What gives you the fucking right to tell people that girls who kiss girls are not good? Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
"My head gets so confused, hard to obey"
So stop fucking about with people who are not only your boyfriend, but in fact the complete opposite gender. Your head isn't confused, it's just that tiny little pain of a thing called your fucking conscience.
*Repeat chorus*
Or, alternatively, turn the fucking song off.
"Us girls, we are so magical"
So were witches. You do have one thing in common though. I do want to burn you at the fucking stake.
"Soft skin, red lips, so kissable"
Alright, we get it. You like girls. It's not a big deal these days, you know. I don't care.
"Hard to resist, so touchable"
.. Are you not just repeating yourself now? Allow me to repeat myself. FUCK OFF.
"Too good to deny it"
So come out the fucking closet already.
"Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"
Define innocent, please. Because I want to know what fucking dictionary you're reading from to think that you're innocent. Is it the Oxford Dictionary for Fucking Cunts?
*Repeat shitty chorus again*
Thankfully, the song does end. Not until 3 minutes that feels akin to being sodomized by a blue whale have passed (Fact fans: Blue Whales have 16ft penises!)
Someone should kick this woman in the testicles she so fucking evidently has.
If you've bought this record, fuck you for supporting one of the most awful artists of this year.
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4 comments:
Jack, dude, I'd forgotten just how bitting and cynical you are. Your blog pleases me, the angry little bitch that I am. It reminds me of a time many moons ago.
I've never heard this song, but thanks to this post, I hope I never do. It sounds like drivel.
Do excuse spelling and grammar errors, you know I'm completely retarded, just like I know it pisses you off. :o)
pathetic! u have way too much time on ur hands! i suggest u get out more! chars! x
Dear Jamie B
Before I dignify that with a proper response, I request that you learn correct use of the english language.
Love,
Jacques x
Thank you for gleefully and eloquently eviscerating that fucking song. Having never been able to fully articulate my aggressive, burning hatred for that song without descending into incoherent raving, from now on I shall simply point people to this article and save myself ten minutes of ranting. You've performed an important public here sir, I salute you.
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