Friday, 22 May 2009

Random Annoyances...

- Heat magazine: A front page headline saying "Is Split A Publicity Stunt?" is playing into their fucking hands just a little bit, isn't it? I mean, mission fucking accomplished, surely?
Also, anyone that thinks that Heat or any of the fucking other magazines like this are actually worthwhile reading, or even suitable for anything other than kindling please immolate themselves after looking up immolate in the dictionary. At the very least can you stop tainting my blog with your fucking presence? Thanks very fucking much. Dicks.

- Green Day's new album: It's fucking amazing, OK? Ignore the fucking fact that it's not a Green Day album like the ones they released fucking 12 years ago. Seriously. This is not fucking "New" Green Day. It's just fucking Green Day. Deal with it, fuckwits.

- The Heat readers referred to in the first section of this entry: Seriously, why are you not fucking dead yet?

- Sarah not writing shit: Fucking sort it out, stop being so fucking lazy and get your fucking arse into gear and fucking write something. It's ok, noone's expecting very fucking much from you anyway, so you don't even need to make any real effort.

-World of Warcraft: FUCK YOU! I managed to quit this game and yet I'm fucking back on there. Fucking thing. I don't even enjoy playing it. It's just a fucking compulsion. That I fucking pay for. Fucking great. Excuse me, would please rape me for £8.99 a month? Because I think I have too much fucking free time that I could spend fucking being abused whilst being in agony instead. Thanks.

-You: Nothing personal, it's just statistically probable that if I ever met you I would think you're a fucking prick.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Back once again...

Good morning, afternoon or evening, dependant on whatever time you happen to be reading this.

I've returned, once more, from what would appear to be the grave to start ranting and raving all over again. And you are the privileged few who get to hear about it.

Although I'm currently sat in front of the shiny new netbook without a fucking clue what to type. But I'm still here.

Because fuck writers block, that's why.

You know what really fucks me off? I mean, I know there's a lot, but let's focus on one particular point. Ignorance.

I was watching a band (who shall remain nameless, as one of the members is a mate and I wish not to cause trouble (I know, shocking, isn't it?)) who, at one point during the set, announced that Obama is "still a politician"

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm aware that the man will inevitably not be able to resolve all issues and will undoubtedly create some more of his own. Nonethe-fucking-less, this is the most ignorant statement I've heard in quite some time. You know who else is still a politician? Kim Jong Il. And Mugabe too. They're politicians! Of course, this doesn't really concern you, does it? Because you're too busy with your heads up your own fucking arses that you don't realise that the rest of the world does indeed have issues that go beyond the ones we have. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that we have problems here that need to be resolved. But, we're not going to be beaten or shot if we don't vote in june, are we? Are we going to be killed and our flesh sold on the streets? No, no we are not. So, quite frankly, shut the fuck up if you're going to start spouting off this bullshit.

Then again, this band also referred to themselves are "Pure '77" so quite frankly I'm not surprised that they fucking pissed me off.

Itch from the King Blues is another one. What a prick. To paraphrase him briefly: "If there were no more arms manufacturers, then there would be no more war."

To counterpoint him; "Are you completely fucking retarded?"

Do you honestly think that we've only been killing each other since there were "arms manufacturers"? Do you REALLY think that people haven't been killing each other since the dawn of time with whatever came to hand? Do you sincerely believe that if the current weapons cease to exist, that people will just stop murdering each other? Because, sir, if you do, I heartily suggest you go and fuck yourself for being an ignorant dick.

I don't agree with war. I honestly do not. But I also don't agree with violent protest. In fact, if you're going to stage a violent protest that is anti war, then I think that you may have become a bit of a hypocritical twat who is missing the point somewhat, would you not agree? At what point does that make you better than them, may I ask? Because they started the war? Fuck off, would you? Cheers

Seriously. People need to fucking think more often. This may not have been that amusing, or indeed even remotely entertaining. But you already know I don't care what you think.

Not bad for someone with writers block, I personally think.

If you disagree, feel free to let me know so I can completely discard your invalid arguments.

Monday, 4 May 2009

Consider This a Warning

With new toys and inspired by a will to start shouting at things again, I shall recommence writing. You have been warned. There will be profanities, needless abuse and possibly some references to music at some point or another.

Until tomorrow, people. Until tomorrow.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen

Photos do not make you look fat.

You are fat. Fucking deal with it.

This also goes for anyone that says photos make them look *insert adjective here*

Photos are a representation of what you look like. They do not alter your appearance in any way shape or form. If you believe photos have that mythical power, I would like to meet you so that I can show you something that will modify your appearance. That being a shovel to the face

Fucks sake, the world is full of fucking idiots.

By all means, if you want someone to reassure you that how you look is considered socially acceptable, then go ahead. But don't ever attempt to garner shallow and false compliments from me in this manner.

I don't even care what you look like. Honestly, I couldn't care less. But I will point out this fucking fact whenever somebody utters this within earshot.

And more to the point. If you care so much about how you look, then why don't you actually fucking do something about it? Put down the fast fucking food, stop fucking drinking and fucking do something that doesn't involve sitting on the internet whining about how a camera has magically added several kilos to each of your thighs. That statement might seem hypocrtical from someone who is posting this on a blog. But you forget one minor detail.

I don't give a fuck about what I look like, or what you think about how I look.

Fucking idiots.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Might I just clear something up?

Please, just indulge me for a second if you don't mind. If you don't wish to indulge me, well, I'm sure you must all know the fucking drill by now, so I'm not going to repeat myself.

Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry are fucking nothing alike.

OK? Is that simple enough to explain to you? Zooey is quite frankly the epitomy of sexuality, whereas Katy Perry looks like somebody dropkicked a epileptic pig through a strobe light factory and then stuck a dress on it.

She & Him are genuinely talented musicians, whereas Katy Perry sings hideously demeaning pop songs that subtly rots away at the intellect of the latest generation of idiotic pre-teens.

I wouldn't even mind so much, were it not for the fact that you probably haven't even heard of She & Him while Katy Perry gets worldwide fame and I die a little bit inside at the realisation that I live in a world surrounded by fucking dickheads who'll buy anything that be considered edgy or controversial when in actual fact it's just fucking stupid.

So, before you comment on Zooey and her supposed likeness to Katy Perry to me, may I suggest you pause, rethink your approach and then go and stick your head into a bucket of quick drying cement. Because you're obviously fucking stupid.

Oh, by the way, Katy, if you ever read this, it's nothing personal. You're just a fucking dick, that's all.

Everybody, do yourselves a favour. Go and listen to She & Him, or go and buy the Yes Man soundtrack and listen to Munchausen By Proxy and supplement it with Vol. 1. Stop buying Katy Perry records and snuff her stupid career out of existance. Together, we can correct this.

And if you don't, well, I don't think I want to be your friend anymore.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Double Negatives

Fuck you Sarah, I'm not a tool for venting aggression on something because you can't

Fuck off and write your own damn blog about them. I'll get round to it when I'm good and fucking ready. Prick.

It just occurred to me...

I could have just edited the first post I made to include all the previous points.

However, I'm being a dick and leaving them all there. To add to the dickishness, I'm making a whole extra post about it too, just to get in the way even more.

I love being a wanker. Fuck you all.

And one more thing...

You know those oh so amusing badges/t-shirts that say "Nobody knows I'm gay" or whatever?

If people could stop wearing those anytime soon I'd be greatly fucking obliged. Because, guess what? After reading that badge/t-shirt/sticker, they DO know you're gay! So it defeats the entire fucking object of it really, doesn't it? I don't even care if you're gay or not, the fucking concept is just stupid and retarded and you can go get fucked if you decide to wear one. Dickhead.

More importantly, if you're one of the guys who wears the "Nobody knows I'm a lesbian" t-shirt, you're an even bigger fucking dickhead than the people I'm talking about above.

Please report to my house as soon as possible for castration, you fucks.


Stop fucking poking me people!

What the fuck does it fucking achieve? FUCK!

Happy New Year!

Now get fucked.

Alright, maybe that's a bit harsh. Or maybe it's not. I have no real way of judging things like this, seeing as I have this nasty habit of not giving a shit. Maybe I should've made a new years resolution to stop being such a prick. But, two issues with that. One being that new years resolutions are for fucking idiots who have no intention of changing anything about themselves but nonetheless try and fool themselves and their idiotic peers that they actually will this year (*SPOILER! No one EVER FUCKING DOES! *End Spoiler*)

More importantly, number two. I don't want to stop being a prick

So, yeah, here I am, getting angry and typing lots of swearwords for your viewing pleasure. Again, I invite anybody who doesn't like my particular style to swivel on it or else just leave without saying a word. Because I'm not going to deal with your shit. OK? Good. Glad we've got that one cleared up.

Right, first on the agenda!


Seriously. I look around at everybody's favourite social networking site and see that apparently, grammar and correct spelling appear to have been banned. Or at least, frowned upon by the people that supposedly matter in your social sect.

Please. Stop it. I came across someone who said "Tu shay!" earlier. Tu shay. Tu fucking shay. What the FUCK? I actually can't work out how somebody can be so fucking idiotic. The funny thing is, they tried using a slightly more sophisticated word that "LOL!" or somesuch acronymical bullshit and FAILED miserably. I didn't even realise what the hell they were attempting to write until I actually sounded it out.

Now, I don't claim to be the most intelligent of people (Yes, it's true, despite the patronising tone of my writing, I do not), but, please, just learn how to spell a word. Not sure? Use a dictionary. Or a spellchecker (But set it to fucking UK English first because the next fucker I see spelling "colour" without a U or "grey" with an A, I will fucking murder you in your fucking sleep, you fucks) It's not difficult and it saves me getting so fucking aggravated.

My friends' sister, who shall remain nameless (It's cool Sarah, no one will work it out) doesn't even know the difference between "your" and "you're." I almost fucking died. Seriously. When I corrected her, I believe she told me to "make up my mind." It was at that point that I lost all faith in humanity. I'm going to make sure she never reproduces, because, in all honesty, the world does not need more fucking idiots in it than there already are. That includes you, probably.

Also - next person who sends me an email or message or comment or wall post or whatever that has anything to do with anyone hacking my facebook or hotmail or my entire fucking computer if I add them as a friend is going to get a dart thrown in their fucking face. People can't do that. I know, shocking, right? It's incredible. But they can't. So shut up, stop being such a panicky idiot and just delete it. This way, we can maybe rid the internet of this stupid bullshit. Or I won't burst another blood vessel. Either is a significant improvement on the current situation.

Next: Fuck you Katy Perry. You're still a fucking idiot and you can still fuck off and die

I'm currently not listening to the radio, so I'm not so up to date with the inane dross that currently passes for music these days, so you'll have to forgive me. However, can people please stop moaning about bands such as S Club 7, Girls Aloud and all such other stuff. I'm aware they do not write their own songs. This does not come as a suprise to me. I am suprisingly knowledgable about music, enough to know that these bands have a team of songwriters. Do you know what? That's OK! It's fine, really. The songs are fucking well written. You're allowed to like it. Don't dismiss it out of hand, you narrow minded fucks. Even genres I don't like, I will give a chance. Show me the same fucking courtesy, please.

Right, fuck this, I'm done.