Sunday, 9 November 2008

Hey, Sarah...

Here's your fucking update

Now shut the fuck up and let me get back to being angry whenever the fuck I feel like it.


Anybody who feels there were a surplus amount of fucks in this post, can also get fucked.

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Nothing in particular

I just feel like ranting today.

I know I've not posted in a while, but due to the current climate of my life I feel enirely excused in that fact.

Right, first things first. Do you like the new Facebook? No? Really? I couldn't tell by your fucking numerous status changes to that effect. Every fucker feels the need to plaster it all over the fucking page

"***** ***** hates the new facebook!" (Name censored to protect the fucking idiotic)

I don't care. I really couldn't give two shits. Let's face it, neither could you. Because if it was that bad, you'd just stop fucking using it and you'd stop annoying the shit out of me with your pathetic whining. It's fucking facebook. Your lives revolve around it. You're not going to quit. No, you're just going to join up to about 72 million different fucking groups that are all geared towards the same thing.

Because that's going to change everything, isn't it?


Get off facebook. Maybe a mass exodus of all the fucking muppets would make them change it back. Or maybe it wouldn't. But at least I'd be rid of all the whining fucking twats.

I was writing more. But fuck it, I can't be arsed.

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Someone has this...

Tattooed to them. Forever.


There really is nothing left to say. You have a down syndrome Katy Perry permanently marked up your body. I can't take the piss out of that, it's just so steeped in self-mockery that to hurl abuse about it would be superfluous.

You are literally the joke and the fucking punchline. I salute you.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Ting Tings...

Do you think that maybe if you spent less time telling us what your name ISN'T and just told us outright what it is, you could maybe, I don't know, WRITE A DECENT FUCKING SONG?

Just a thought.

If you're going to get a record deal, at least do something with it, for fucks sake. There's many bands out there that would kill for what you have and you do fuck all with it except churn out generic wankery that I could do in my bedroom with a synthesizer and a bottle of vodka to remove my sense of integrity.

Oh and if you could stop ripping off CSS, I'd be grateful. It was good when they did it. When you do it, it just feels like I'm being gang raped in the ear by several large penises. Even that would be preferable, I think.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Elvis isn't dead....

But Isaac Hayes is.

Good. Hypocritical scientologist wanker.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

A Disection of Katy Perry...

No, unfortunately I don't mean I'm going to cut her up on an autopsy table (although let's face it, that would be highly preferable)

Nope, I'm merely going to go through the lyrics of the song "I Kissed A Girl" and try to fucking understand what the fuck is the obsession.

Ready? Lets begin.

"This was never the way I planned, not my intention"
I beg your pardon? You didn't intend to do it? That, my dear, is equivalent to saying "I didn't mean to stab those french students, officer! I just tripped and fell A HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES!" (Controversial? Maybe. Fuck you? Definitely)
It doesn't happen. Stop lying to yourself and to us. We deserve better.

"I got so brave, drink in hand. Lost my discretion"
I see. So, you didn't mean to do it? You were just drunk? That's akin to me saying I didn't mean to run over that girl, I was wankered. Stop making fucking excuses. Also, why do you need to be discreet? Are you ashamed of it?

"It's not what I'm used to, Just wanna try you on"
Translation: "I'm not really like this, so I'm going to use you. Because I'm a cunt".

"I'm curious for you, caught my attention"
Evidently she's like a magpie, attracted to shiny fucking objects. Was it the earrings? Or the necklace? Or the shitty fake tan that made her glow from six miles away?

"I kissed a girl, and I liked it"
See my previous post for my views on this particular line.

"The taste of her cherry chapstick"
Fuck off. A cleanly shaven bloke wearing cherry chapstick would have had the same effect on you, so stop fucking writing inane shite just because it fucking rhymes.

"I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"
So, you cheated on your boyfriend? Oh, of course, I forget. Girl on girl is acceptable terms for unfaithfulness. Bullshit. Heed this warning, everyone. Katy Perry will cheat on you with a female for a barcadi fucking breezer.

Also, it's "doesn't". Learn some fucking grammar.

"It felt so wrong, it felt so right"
Stop judging yourself by the stupid shitty standards you're expected to and come out the fucking closet. Unless of course you're writing this to seek attention. But you'd never do that, would you? Of course not.

"Don't mean I'm in love tonight"
No, you're right. It doesn't. This goes without saying. I'm sure I've kissed plenty of girls when I've been drunk and fairly certain I wasn't in love with them. At least I had the good grace to be single at the time. Is this line aimed at the girl you kissed or the guy you're currently seeing? Dick.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
Fuck off

"I liked it"
I heard you the first time. Fuck off.

"No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter"
"Hi, I'm Katy Perry. I don't care who you are, because I'm a massive slag"

"You're my experimental game, just human nature"
You are doing nothing to endear yourself to me, I can assure you. Just another line about how much you don't care about other people in the search for your own satisfaction.

"It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave"
According to who, exactly? Who the fuck are you to judge how anybody else should behave? What gives you the fucking right to tell people that girls who kiss girls are not good? Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

"My head gets so confused, hard to obey"
So stop fucking about with people who are not only your boyfriend, but in fact the complete opposite gender. Your head isn't confused, it's just that tiny little pain of a thing called your fucking conscience.

*Repeat chorus*
Or, alternatively, turn the fucking song off.

"Us girls, we are so magical"
So were witches. You do have one thing in common though. I do want to burn you at the fucking stake.

"Soft skin, red lips, so kissable"
Alright, we get it. You like girls. It's not a big deal these days, you know. I don't care.

"Hard to resist, so touchable"
.. Are you not just repeating yourself now? Allow me to repeat myself. FUCK OFF.

"Too good to deny it"
So come out the fucking closet already.

"Ain't no big deal, it's innocent"
Define innocent, please. Because I want to know what fucking dictionary you're reading from to think that you're innocent. Is it the Oxford Dictionary for Fucking Cunts?

*Repeat shitty chorus again*

Thankfully, the song does end. Not until 3 minutes that feels akin to being sodomized by a blue whale have passed (Fact fans: Blue Whales have 16ft penises!)

Someone should kick this woman in the testicles she so fucking evidently has.

If you've bought this record, fuck you for supporting one of the most awful artists of this year.

Monday, 11 August 2008

I'm Not Gonna Write You...

A love song?

No, you're going to spend much more effort writing a song detailing specifically how you are NOT going to write him (or her, thank you Katy fucking Perry) a love song.

Although, by titling it "Love Song" you have indeed defeated the entire fucking purpose of it. Yes, it's not a "love song" but it IS a "Love Song".


Head underwater? I'm hardly fucking surprised. Actually, I am

Surprised anyone would let you back up again.

Although, I'll be honest. Going through all that effort to spite someone would be awesome. If it wasn't for the fact that it's blatantly fictional. No one's ever asked you to write them a love song, have they?

Well, they fucking wouldn't have if they'd heard what your songs sound like.

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

She's So Lovely...

Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite hear you, Scouting for Girls.

Could you possibly repeat that another SEVEN FUCKING TIMES? Of course you could. And do so, in fact.

8 times. Every chorus.

Pop music is just getting fucking lazy now. It's not even a good lyric. Or an interesting melody. In fact it sounds like a bunch of unimaginative cunts singing something that will sell to an audience of 4 year old mentally handicapped children.

Fuck off, you dickheads.

Also, Elvis IS fucking dead. Get over it.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Dear Katy Perry

You kissed a girl and you liked it, did you?

Well, guess what. So did I, except I didn't feel the need to write a shitty fucking song about it.


Disaster Movie

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, another one.

No, I'm not talkng about the blog post (Although fuck it, you should consider yourself forewarned), but these shitty fucking "parody" movies that keep popping up (I hate using quotation marks in that manner, but I want to make sure you understand what I'm getting at. The things I do for the intelectually challenged, eh?)

How the fuck do these things keep getting made?

Alright, I already know the answer to that question. Because they make OBSCENE amounts of cash for the studios, that's why.

And how do they do this? Because you keep fucking watching them. Why the fuck would you keep doing this to yourself?!

I'll admit, I've seen Meet The Spartans. I know, I know, leave me alone, I've fucking suffered enough after that fucking movie! ("Hey! Let's parody that scene from James Bond! You know, the one with balls in it?! LAWLZ!")

My friend invited myself and my girlfriend to go see this film. I asked my girlfriend and off we went. Turns out, I didn't want to see this film and neither did she. Which is good, because it means I'm not going out with an idiot and she won't need to be dumped on a beach somewhere in portugal (Yeah, it's a Madeline reference, so what? The case is fucking closed so I can finally take her out the basement, the smell is getting a bit much. Find that offensive? Then go read something else, overly-sensitive dickweed) (Also, on that note, why the fuck did everyone care so much about Madeline? Children go missing every fucking DAY in Portugal. But noone gives a fuck until a white middle class family ki... sorry, LOSE their daughter. I smell bullshit. Just because we're an english speaking country doesn't mean we shouldn't give a fuck about everyone else in the world. Hence my viewpoint: Fuck them all, regardless of race, gender or class. Fuck you if you disagree)

Anyway, these movies make stupid amounts of cash. Here's some rough stats for you:

Meet the Spartans budget: approximately $30,000,000
Meet the Spartans worldwide gross: $84,171,878

Epic Movie budget: approximately $20,000,000
Epic Movie worldwide gross: $86,835,512

Date Movie budget: approximately $20,000,000
Date Movie worldwide gross: $78,548,426

How many people are seeing these fucking movies? Honestly. I ask myself this question over and over again and even I don't believe there's that many idiots in the world. Some people must be seeing these twice. I'm not sure how. Maybe they watched it a second time because the humour's too fucking sophisticated for their tiny minds to comprehend.

Or maybe there really IS that many fucking idiots out there. I don't know. Frankly, I'm scared for the human race if there is.

I wouldn't mind, but the thing is, this style used to be fucking AMAZING. Airplane and Naked Gun being the movies that spring to mind. GOOD parodies. One's that don't rely on fart jokes and people getting hit in the crotch. (Don't think Leslie Nielsen is without flaws though, some of the shit he churned out hurts more than a barbed wire enema)

Even Mike Myers is in on rehashing every joke in every film he makes. It's a fucking shame, the guy who wrote possibly my favourite comedy movies (Wayne's World, if you must know) just churning out the same jokes as he did in Austin fucking Powers.

Fuck it, I'm going to watch Funny Games again. I wouldn't recommend you do likewise, I'm not sure you'll be able to handle it.

Nickelback's "Rock Star"

You seriously think you're the only person who has noticed that this song is steeped in irony?

Fuck off you twat. It's blindingly obvious, unless you happen to be a complete fucking idiot.

I'd imagine that the only person who doesn't notice the irony is Chad Kroeger himself. Probably because he's too busy sat there writing sub-par Bon Jovi-esque country rock.

Or maybe it's just because he's a cunt.

The best thing about this song is that it merely allows Nickelback more fortune and fame than they ever would have before. Enabling them to live the lifestyle they are oh-so "ironically" mocking.


Sunday, 3 August 2008


No. Fuck off.

Seriously. If you were deemed interesting enough for me to actually comment upon your photo's, I would do so of my own free will. Asking me to is not only tragic and fucking annoying, it also makes me less inclined to do so. So much less inclined to do so, in fact, that I decided to spend a much greater period of time ranting into a blog that nobody will read.

Seriously, though: You are a fucking idiot. Stop posting these bulletins. We don't care. I'm not commenting on your photo. In fact, I can't remember the last time I commented on a photo. More importantly, I don't care.

Mind you, I find it slightly more infuriating that people will only ever comment on the promise of a return comment. Honestly: Are you that fucking sad? If you had something worthwhile to say about a fucking photo, say it! And if you don't, then I guess you'll have to do without that precious comment. Because you wouldn't ever post some inane drivel, would you?

Yes. Of course you fucking would. You're a fucking idiot, just like your friend asking for comments.

So, we have legions of mindless idiots posting the same "Beautiful" "Stunning" "Gorgeous" comments over and over and over a-fucking-gain.

Honestly. Read a fucking thesaurus. Please. If you must insist on posting this crap, at least post it in a slightly different manner to the past threefuckinghundred dickheads. Learn some correct grammar while you're there too, although that would be nothing short of a miracle, so I shall just remain in hope on that particular subject.

Why do you care? Why are you asking for these comments? Does everybody elses' opinion really matter? Are you so desperate to appear popular that you'll resort to something just short of begging?

That's rather inane, by any one's standards.

In fact, I expect people not to care about this blog post. Carry on posting your stupid requests for feeble comments, at least that will show you don't care about one person.

Still, you're a fucking idiot for those posts in the first place.

Monday, 21 January 2008

Another "controversial" post

Good evening.

Merry christmas and a happy new year. I hope you all have pleasant memories of why we refrain from getting together with family except for this one time of year under the stupid pretence of an outdated concept that none of us really follow anymore apart from the fact it's so ingrained upon our social conscience that we seem to be unable to think for ourselves about it.

Christmas annoys me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a scrooge, quite the contrary, I enjoy buying presents and spoiling the people close to me. I just don't understand why everybody uses this as the one pitiful a year that they use just to get together with their families so that they can relinquish the guilt for another 364 days of complete ignorance and denial of their family unit.

I once had an "discussion" with some bloke in a pub. (I say discussion, but it swiftly became an arguement and ended with me telling him to fuck off and stop being a narrow minded fuckhead. Which is as close to a discussion as I get, I suppose). This discussion involved me disliking the principles of christmas and himself, like the self-righteous muppet he appeared to be, loving the fact that he had an excuse to go see his family and have fun, festive frollicks.

The one word I take issue with in that is "excuse". Why do you need an excuse to go visit the people who love and care for you? I don't. I'll admit it, I don't see some of my family half as much as I'd like to, but that's just down to distance rather than my own free will. He claimed he "couldn't afford the time off" and other such excuses.

Bullshit. The only reason you can't afford the time off is because you use all your holiday time to go off and get fucked out of your brains in some random "exotic" location and perform what is the holidaymakers equivilent of date-rape by getting some (probably underaged, at least over here, but you're in a different country, so I guess the morals you've been raised upon don't count, right?) girl totally incapacitatedly drunk and take her back to do with her what you will, only to leave her in the morning what the fuck she's done with herself, which will followed about 6 months later with a forced meeting between her crotch and the sharp end of a coathanger.

Seriously, take a weekend off. Go stay with your family. I'm sure they'd love it. Hell, I know my family do. I get spoiled to hell and back when that happens, I'm not even allowed to lift a finger they're so glad to see me. And it doesn't even require some false christian holiday that you don't actually believe in, but you'll go along with it for the sake of a few days off, right?

You all decry other religious holidays, claiming that this country is christian and that it should be "Merry christmas" and not "Happy holidays". Why not? It is, after all, a season of several holidays, not just the one that our forefather chose to believe in and therefore we have to believe in it, because our country was built on it! Except one of the greatest things about this country is it's multiculturalism. Yes, alright, we still have our degrees of segregation, but it's nowhere near to the extent that it used to be. Unless it's other countries we're trying to help, in which case it's "Adapt to our lifestyles or we'll level your houses, k? thx!" whilst we try to sweep aside the fact that the totalitarian leader of that country that we just arrested and executed was put into power by the western world.

Sidetracked much?

Anyway, the point is this. We're not a christian country anymore. We may claim to be, but when was the last time you went to church? That's not a question to the christians out there, I know you're always at church, forgiving the sins of us all and suchlike, but to the people who complain about the beliefs of others. They tolerate the fact we force what people used to believe in upon them, yet we piss and moan that they are taking our identities.

Fuck that for a laugh.

Anyway, yeah, basically, christmas is a sham unless you are genuinely christian. For the majority of you out there, you're celebrating a sham holiday. Well done. You must be very proud

Stop being puppets to the corporations. Each year we're forced into spendiong more and more on gifts that we wouldn't even consider at any other time of year. Do you like being forced to do things? Yet you still buy into it?

Strange that, isn't it? Yet we still do it, every year, without fail, we get together and then are glad that it doesn't need to be done for over another year. Apparently we don't like our families any more, because they're embarassing. I can assure you, the only embarassing thing your family has done was that thing your mum showed me with the cucumber.

I intended to write this blog about something else, with a much funnier side to it. But that desire has disappeared with the venting of my anger like the emptying of my toothpaste of love into your mother/sister/cousin (whichever you find funnier, or offends you more. I don't care)

Expect more updates soon, I've become angry again after my month of shallow indulgences and illness