Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Toys are dangerous, apparently...

Right, I know I only posted yesterday, but sod it, I feel the urge to vent about the sheer stupidity that seemingly inflicts everybody in this nation of fucking retards that don't even have the mental disability to be able to excuse it.

So, I was watching Dispatches last night. Not usually my type of thing, admittedly, but there was nothing else on and I was pottering around the internet with my usual mindless intent while my girlfriend (Yes, GIRLfriend, I'm not gay. Controversial to popular opinion, I have to say that I don't tend to enjoy a rock hard phallus buried into my rectum, but thanks all the same for caring enough to fucking judge me by your dated standards. Shall I rant about the whole sexuality debate? Not right now, there are more important idiots to be berated in this instant.)

Anyway, yes, Dispatches. As I said, not my normal sort of thing, seeing as I don't tend to enjoy that type of scare-mongering bullshit that I've managed to live without quite happily for the past ALL OF MY FUCKING LIFE. You see, they just seem to lead people to believe that this perfectly happy existence (Well, I say perfectly happy, but we know it's not, but that's beside the point right now, I'll come to that another time) that we're living in is actually a DEATH TRAP OF DOOM (copyrighted to me, that name is, so fuck right off Channel 4).

Yes, indeed, we're surrounded by terrorists, murderers, rapists, paedophiles and all those stereotypical nasties that we can't seem to avoid in our everyday lives. Except that the majority of us do. Yes, it's true! We can in fact lead our lives without the general concern of the fact that we may be beaten, sexually abused and mugged all in one evening. In fact, due to this sort of thing, I actually feel quite disappointed when these things don't happen on an average night out. Which leads to me being generally disenchanted by most evenings I spend in the pub, seeing as these things are actually SURPRISINGLY FUCKING RARE. Although they don't want you to know that, because lets face it, they'd have bugger all to make TV programmes about, and you'd actually, y'know, enjoy yourself and not worry about this sort of thing.

Anyway, I've become sidetracked. This one particular episode was absolutely genius, and proved to me that natural selection is a wonderful thing and that these programmes should stop being made simply so these bloody idiots will just do away with themselves and improve the gene pool.

This one was about toys. Yes, toys. Those nasty deathtraps that have a horrible way of disguising themselves as perfectly fucking SAFE playthings. Oh, yes, you'd be surprised at how bad they are! I'm amazed any of us actually made it through our childhoods, what with the vast amount of possible fatalities that could amass from those devious devices of horrendous suffering. Then I remember that I'm not completely mentally devoid of any sort of common fucking sense and although you may be (After all, you're reading this despite the fact I've spent the entire time calling you fucktards and yet you still come back for more), you at least have the sense to not be brutalised by a fucking TOY!

I digress. This programme was ridiculous. It basically told everyone that by purchasing these evil devices of Satan, they are indeed sentencing their children to lead the rest of their clearly short lifespans in great deals of agony. Or, possibly not, if you've had the good sense to actually raise them in a manner that most would deem correct.

Magnets was the main deal with it. Magnets. Don't eat them, apparently. Now, apparently that's not as simple as it would seem, according to the legions (well, dozens at the least) of parents who had to deal with their children as they vomitted their entire internal organ structure. They eat magnets? Let them fucking die! Do us all a favour! In fact, sod it. Let them munch on magnets! Massively strong ones! Then let them loose in the cutlery warehouse. Kids with massive knives hanging from gaping wounds in their stomachs? Self inflicted! Hurray! Hilarious. Or, let them chew on electromagnets, and save yourself masses of cash on christmas lights AND the fact you'll no longer have to feed something with an IQ about three points above the average tub of butter.

If you're going to stick magnets in your mouth and then be stupid enough to swallow them, you deserve whatever consequences come your way. They're not fucking edible! Surely the fact you can't even chew them would be fairly good advice? I'm amazed these kids didn't manage to choke on the bloody things, I'll give them a hand and force feed them via the magic medium of my clenched fist.

I have nothing against kids, I love them, in fact. Not in the Michael Jackson way (And if I did, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be willing to admit across a public fucking forum such as the internet, so you can stop reading this if you're only interested in kicking up a fuss over someone having a fucking opinion that differs from you. Overbearing mothers of the world, I'm talking to you.), but in a genuinely nice way. Hard to believe I'd say that about anything, but it's true. But if they're not being raised well enough to know about these things, then fucking let them suffer! Their parents deserve the great displeasure of watching their children be in vast amounts of pain, simply for not being clever enough to teach their kids to not put shit like that in their mouths! (Oh, and by the way, these weren't tiny kids either, there were ones well above the age to know simple stuff such as this)

After that, they started on all the "counterfeit" toys on the marketplaces and other such places. I used to fucking LOVE those things. We weren't a well off family, so I made do with these things, quite happily. I'm not dead, am I? No, because I was raised to know not to do stupid things. I'm also aware that trying to felate a gun barrel is a great way to swiftly end your life. Kurt Cobain, take note, despite being dead, you're still inflicting vast amounts of torment on the rest of us.

I can't believe the idiocy of people today. They're scared, afraid, paranoid that everything in this world is out to get them.

Here's a note - It's not. We're just being force fed these things and you're believing them. As if we don't have enough to worry about! "OH NO! DANGEROUS TOYZ?!?!" indeed. The least we need to worry about with our kids is toys that will harm them if they happen to be in the company of inbred parents who are both missing several chromosomes each. How about all these other poor countries? That don't even know if their kids will survive past christmas? Hey, at least that solves one of their problems - They won't need to worry about buying them shitty christmas gifts.

I'm sick of this shit.

Monday, 17 December 2007

For a change...

Now, I’m not entirely sure what you lot are expecting from this blog. Maybe a cure for cancer? Or at least a cure for those genital warts you keep getting? (Not a cure, but a big hint for you - Stop fucking skanky girls!) Or maybe possibly a mild distraction from the tedium that is your life. Not my life, my life is filled with constant glamour and maybe one or two well hidden lies (And another hint - That was one of them)

No, I’m really uncertain as to what you’re expecting. I’m actually quite grateful if even one person reads this and enjoys it. Admittedly, I’ll call that one person an idiot for enjoying the delusional ramblings of an 8 year old speed freak with downs syndrome, but I’ll thank them regardless.

Right, now that self-congratulatory bollocks is out of the way, let’s talk shit.

I’m becoming mildly annoyed with the gaming industry. Yes, yes, I know, I know, you were expecting a rant on music probably, but fuck it, this is what I think now, so I shall spew forth, and if you don’t like it, fuck right off and go and toss yourself off to the new “Genericemo” album or whatever bullshite you’re being fed this week.

So, yes, video games. Now, without wishing to sound like another Yahtzee-like (Anyone who knows not what I speak of, go check out Zero Punctuation), I’m going to slag off some of the bigger selling games of this year, being what they are, a big pile of shittyness. Yes, yes, alright, you may have already figured out some of the various titles that I’m going to mention. So let’s start at the top and work our way down, yes?

Halo 3. Oh dear, oh dear oh fucking dear. Now, I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a fan of the Halo games to begin with. So, imagine my disgust when they just fucking released Halo 2 with a graphical touch up. Alright, yes, the story may be slightly different, involving as it does… Ohh, let’s face it, if you’re disagreeing with me, you’re not going to listen to a word I say, and if you’re agreeing with me, I don’t need to reiterate the sort of mindless drivel that consists of the plot. And if you’re unaware, then you are in fact non-existent seeing as Microsoft have spared no lengths to give me another reason to hate them and their fucking advertising. It seems that the Master Chief has seen his way to sponsor everything possible with the exception of any form of contraception, because, lets face it, they want as many customers as possible and only those with the intelligence of a new born would enjoy this fucking bland, insipid shooter.

The fucking physics engine for this game is enough to put anyone off. Right, yes, OK, I understand that the master chief (which, by the way, is the stupidest fucking name in the world since the twatty guitarist from U2 decided to name himself The Edge, which, I might remind you (except I might not because if you forget these things then you can sod right off) is also the name of a fucking PIZZA. Yes, he came first, but, let’s face it, if your name is also a suitable titling for a pizza, then you really should reconsider allowing yourself to live. And if you’re not reconsidering that, then you were probably dropped on your face as a child. In which case, it was probably because your mother was giving birth to you in some back alley and trying to sell you on for her next fix of crack. Right, I’m going to shut up and proceed with my critical panning of Halo now) is a genetically modified something or other from the *yawn* something programme (Yes, I’m fully aware of what these things are all called, I’m just emphasising the point that I don’t actually give a flying shit about them), but that doesn’t explain why the FUCK he can jump around about 6.2 miles into the air.

Vehicles are even worse. Now, I’ll be honest. Whilst I’m not the most amazing gamer in the world, I’m pretty damn good. For fucks sake, I test games for a living, so I can’t be that fucking bad at them, right? However, I find these vehicles nigh on impossible to handle. Now, I think this may be partially down to the fact I lost interest shortly after the annoying Gregorian chanted intro music and title screen, but I also think it MAY have something to do with the fact that the developers of this game didn’t really think it out. In fact, seeing as this game originally started out as a fucking REAL-TIME STRATEGY GAME, I think the developers may have been suffering from a case of either schizophrenia or diarrhoea which seemed to cover the entire stock of Halo printed discs in absolute shite. Either that, or they just decided that everyone else was making RTS games far superior to their own, and thought “Well, shit! Let’s churn out a generic FPS instead!”

Then Microsoft bought them up, and that condemned the game to be dumbed down for the console idiots (Yes, I am primarily a console gamer, but I know when a game is made easier for the beer-drinking mass market these consoles are made for these days)

While I’m on the subject, what the fuck is this whole thing about people selling out my heritage to the masses? I’ve grown up playing video games. I went through a hell of a lot of shit because of it too. And NOW, it seems that every fucker across the planet is playing video games. Now I’m trying to see the positive in this - more games for me to play because there’s a bigger market. But then I remember. These games are actually a big pile of polygons and testicles. They’re churning out all these new titles, sticking some fancy license on them and hey, they sell! Either that, or they milk the teat of some other franchise for all its worth. Yes, brilliant, I don’t need another fucking Sims 2 expansion. Oh, wow! New items! REALLY?! They’re just a mild variation on existing ones with a slightly different skin?! Oh, and a new area?! For me to do exactly the SAME FUCKING THINGS IN?! No, no, I think I’ll give that a miss and leave that to the deluded elders (Subtle dig aimed at you know fucking who. And if you don’t, good. Because you don’t deserve to know.)

Anyway, the only real positive is I now get to show those fuckers who rules in my little fucking realm. That’s the only positive. After all my time as the victim, I get positive reinforcement when I decimate these motherfuckers on the virtual battlefield. That, and, also, I get reminded that most of them are indeed jockeys of cock. But, maybe these people are the reason that I feel the urgent need to vent so ludicrously much online. After that, I remember that I’m exactly like this in reality as well, so I do quite frequently tell these people to get fucked. And then there’s a brief scuffle, which I’m generally on the losing side of. I must remember that in reality I can’t actually Hadouken. Oh, and by the way, everyone should listen to that band too (SEE! MUSIC! Now shut up) because they’re fucking ace, and if you disagree, you’re probably either a) an intelligent individual who actually managed to form your own opinion, or most likely b) Someone who decided that they’re not going to like this band because everyone else does. Seriously, form your own opinion for once. You either like something because you want to fit in with your friends, in which case you’re quite clearly retarded because who the fuck wants friends that don’t want anything to do with you unless you like the same bands as them? Fucking grow up! It’s that, or you decided to not like bands that everyone else does simply for the fact that people might think you’re cool or different. Well, guess what? You’re not cool. You’re a fucking idiot.

Speaking of fucking idiots, I just saw one of those National Accident Helpline adverts. They’re fucking great, aren’t they? It’s just a bunch of fucking retards who have “accidents” and want to milk it for all its worth. They call them accidents, but they are clearly just another reason why I should be allowed to shoot anyone that is indeed that fucking silly.

“I was given the wrong type of ladder” - Well don’t fucking climb it then, dickhead! Jesus, the only accident about that was the fact the bastard didn’t die when he fell! I don’t care if you can’t work, you’re fucking stupid for putting yourself in that fucking situation! I fucking hope you have life insurance mate, because you are almost certain to have another accident involving your genitals, a vice and a power drill. Well, maybe not an accident, but it will be self inflicted. And by self inflicted, I mean it will be inflicted by myself.

And the silly cow who tripped over a bit of strapping on the floor? GOOD! You’re a twat as well. You have to be a special kind of stupid to trip over that stuff. And even more so to actually fall badly enough to cause yourself any kind of damage. It’s a shame you didn’t manage it near a flight of bloody stairs, at least then I would’ve had something to laugh at.

I’m bored now. Video games can wait. Halo sucks balls. Gears of War is just as bad.

And Portal is the best game in the world. If you disagree, please feel free to let me know, and I shall politely inform you that you should jog on.