Saturday, 10 January 2009

Might I just clear something up?

Please, just indulge me for a second if you don't mind. If you don't wish to indulge me, well, I'm sure you must all know the fucking drill by now, so I'm not going to repeat myself.

Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry are fucking nothing alike.

OK? Is that simple enough to explain to you? Zooey is quite frankly the epitomy of sexuality, whereas Katy Perry looks like somebody dropkicked a epileptic pig through a strobe light factory and then stuck a dress on it.

She & Him are genuinely talented musicians, whereas Katy Perry sings hideously demeaning pop songs that subtly rots away at the intellect of the latest generation of idiotic pre-teens.

I wouldn't even mind so much, were it not for the fact that you probably haven't even heard of She & Him while Katy Perry gets worldwide fame and I die a little bit inside at the realisation that I live in a world surrounded by fucking dickheads who'll buy anything that be considered edgy or controversial when in actual fact it's just fucking stupid.

So, before you comment on Zooey and her supposed likeness to Katy Perry to me, may I suggest you pause, rethink your approach and then go and stick your head into a bucket of quick drying cement. Because you're obviously fucking stupid.

Oh, by the way, Katy, if you ever read this, it's nothing personal. You're just a fucking dick, that's all.

Everybody, do yourselves a favour. Go and listen to She & Him, or go and buy the Yes Man soundtrack and listen to Munchausen By Proxy and supplement it with Vol. 1. Stop buying Katy Perry records and snuff her stupid career out of existance. Together, we can correct this.

And if you don't, well, I don't think I want to be your friend anymore.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Double Negatives

Fuck you Sarah, I'm not a tool for venting aggression on something because you can't

Fuck off and write your own damn blog about them. I'll get round to it when I'm good and fucking ready. Prick.

It just occurred to me...

I could have just edited the first post I made to include all the previous points.

However, I'm being a dick and leaving them all there. To add to the dickishness, I'm making a whole extra post about it too, just to get in the way even more.

I love being a wanker. Fuck you all.

And one more thing...

You know those oh so amusing badges/t-shirts that say "Nobody knows I'm gay" or whatever?

If people could stop wearing those anytime soon I'd be greatly fucking obliged. Because, guess what? After reading that badge/t-shirt/sticker, they DO know you're gay! So it defeats the entire fucking object of it really, doesn't it? I don't even care if you're gay or not, the fucking concept is just stupid and retarded and you can go get fucked if you decide to wear one. Dickhead.

More importantly, if you're one of the guys who wears the "Nobody knows I'm a lesbian" t-shirt, you're an even bigger fucking dickhead than the people I'm talking about above.

Please report to my house as soon as possible for castration, you fucks.


Stop fucking poking me people!

What the fuck does it fucking achieve? FUCK!

Happy New Year!

Now get fucked.

Alright, maybe that's a bit harsh. Or maybe it's not. I have no real way of judging things like this, seeing as I have this nasty habit of not giving a shit. Maybe I should've made a new years resolution to stop being such a prick. But, two issues with that. One being that new years resolutions are for fucking idiots who have no intention of changing anything about themselves but nonetheless try and fool themselves and their idiotic peers that they actually will this year (*SPOILER! No one EVER FUCKING DOES! *End Spoiler*)

More importantly, number two. I don't want to stop being a prick

So, yeah, here I am, getting angry and typing lots of swearwords for your viewing pleasure. Again, I invite anybody who doesn't like my particular style to swivel on it or else just leave without saying a word. Because I'm not going to deal with your shit. OK? Good. Glad we've got that one cleared up.

Right, first on the agenda!


Seriously. I look around at everybody's favourite social networking site and see that apparently, grammar and correct spelling appear to have been banned. Or at least, frowned upon by the people that supposedly matter in your social sect.

Please. Stop it. I came across someone who said "Tu shay!" earlier. Tu shay. Tu fucking shay. What the FUCK? I actually can't work out how somebody can be so fucking idiotic. The funny thing is, they tried using a slightly more sophisticated word that "LOL!" or somesuch acronymical bullshit and FAILED miserably. I didn't even realise what the hell they were attempting to write until I actually sounded it out.

Now, I don't claim to be the most intelligent of people (Yes, it's true, despite the patronising tone of my writing, I do not), but, please, just learn how to spell a word. Not sure? Use a dictionary. Or a spellchecker (But set it to fucking UK English first because the next fucker I see spelling "colour" without a U or "grey" with an A, I will fucking murder you in your fucking sleep, you fucks) It's not difficult and it saves me getting so fucking aggravated.

My friends' sister, who shall remain nameless (It's cool Sarah, no one will work it out) doesn't even know the difference between "your" and "you're." I almost fucking died. Seriously. When I corrected her, I believe she told me to "make up my mind." It was at that point that I lost all faith in humanity. I'm going to make sure she never reproduces, because, in all honesty, the world does not need more fucking idiots in it than there already are. That includes you, probably.

Also - next person who sends me an email or message or comment or wall post or whatever that has anything to do with anyone hacking my facebook or hotmail or my entire fucking computer if I add them as a friend is going to get a dart thrown in their fucking face. People can't do that. I know, shocking, right? It's incredible. But they can't. So shut up, stop being such a panicky idiot and just delete it. This way, we can maybe rid the internet of this stupid bullshit. Or I won't burst another blood vessel. Either is a significant improvement on the current situation.

Next: Fuck you Katy Perry. You're still a fucking idiot and you can still fuck off and die

I'm currently not listening to the radio, so I'm not so up to date with the inane dross that currently passes for music these days, so you'll have to forgive me. However, can people please stop moaning about bands such as S Club 7, Girls Aloud and all such other stuff. I'm aware they do not write their own songs. This does not come as a suprise to me. I am suprisingly knowledgable about music, enough to know that these bands have a team of songwriters. Do you know what? That's OK! It's fine, really. The songs are fucking well written. You're allowed to like it. Don't dismiss it out of hand, you narrow minded fucks. Even genres I don't like, I will give a chance. Show me the same fucking courtesy, please.

Right, fuck this, I'm done.