Do you know

What is better than the most recent Black Eyed Peas album?

EVERYTHING.

Seriously, you fucks. You used to be so good. So stay away from the autotune and stop pretending Fergie should be writing songs.

Dear Dave Guetta & Akon

Try fucking harder at not being disrespectful.

Calling someone a Sexy Bitch is probably the most disrespectful thing I can imagine. So fuck off and think about what you're going to say. I'd say come back after you've thought about it, but if you could just stay wherever it is you're fucking off to and make sure you don't taint the airwaves with that drivel again, I'd be much obliged.

Ta,

Jacques x

Hi, I'm Gavin from Autoglass...

And I am a cunt.

I mean, far be it for me to judge an individual purely on the basis of his performance in those adverts, but he clearly is a massive prick. Just look at the gormless look on his face or the vaguely downs-esque way he talks. I'm sorry for any downs sufferers that may get offended by being compared to Gavin from Autoglass.

He can fill my crack with his special resin any time. And by "fill my crack" I mean "die" and by "with his special resin" I mean "in a fire" and by "any time" I mean "now."

I hate getting frustrated by nothing sometimes, but there you go. Adverts are especially annoying me right now. Those fucking meerkats can fuck right off too. They tried to claim that that it was the most common typo of their site. Are you fucking shitting me? MEERKAT? How can you accidentally type that instead of MARKET? No. Fuck off. How the fuck can someone type comparethe and then suddenly go hideously wrong and type fucking meerkat. My fingers even automatically go to type market when typing meerkat. That's how impossible that typo is. Fucking dicks. Fuck you. Fucking meerkat fuckers.

That GoCompare guy can stay though, anyone who has pissed off as many people as I have deserves my respect. It's at the point where my girlfriend changes the channel whenever it's on. So I've set it as my ringtone. Fuck it, right?

Why must I get frustrated by the littlest of things? There's world hunger, war, discrimination and everything going on right now and I'm fucking complaining about fucking adverts. And saying fucking a fucking lot.

Anyway, I've got more important things to worry about right now so I'm fucking off. Fuck this. I'm never watching TV again. Until Glee, anyway. Fucking bastard TV show is the best thing in existence and I won't hear a bad word about it.

I am

Too intoxicated to post. I will bring you shouting tomorrow.

Amy McDonald

Your voice makes me want to touch you inappropriately. That is all.

Foxtrot Oscar

Once more, we have seen the most elaborate, pointless, self-congratulating ceremony in the history of existence - the Oscars. As a great fan of cinema but someone who loathes the cult of celebrity, I'm always quite torn by the Oscars, so my general opinion is formed on the basis of how approving I am of the winners. If they're good, I'm satisfied and they can continue with my approval and if they're not, well, I begin reigning hellfire down upon them. In my mind, of course. I don't actually possess such powers. Not yet, at least...

Can I just say something here? HAHAHAHA! Suck it, Avatar!

Excuse me. That was uncalled for.

Having seen Avatar, I was simply blown away by it. It is an absolutely spellbinding piece of cinema. However, looking back on it, beyond the special effects, it's not all that amazing. The story is, while not bad, not that amazing. The acting is actually surprisingly good, I was quite shocked that it got no nominations at all, especially considering the performances of both lead and supporting actresses were fantastic. The lead and supporting actors were good but nothing outstanding to be honest, so I'm not that surprised in the absence of nominations for that. It won the Oscars that nothing else actually had any right even being nominated for against it, so that was always good.

Inglourious Basterds shamefully didn't win anything beyond best supporting actor. Which, quite frankly, noone else could have taken. Watching Cristoph Waltz switching between 4 languages seamlessly throughout the film is simply superb, all of them as well performed as the previous. I'm surprised that they didn't give him the directorial oscars, what with them passing over him with Pulp Fiction all those years ago. I'm getting ahead of myself, here.

The Hurt Locker. Simply amazing movie. Everybody go and watch it. It deserves everything it won, quite frankly. I'm not going to discuss plot details or anything like that, just go and watch it and enjoy quite frankly.

Precious I've yet to see, but I've heard nothing but great things from the people who share my view on movies, but I can't really judge on its worthiness as a winner. Sandra Bullock seems a bit of an odd choice as well, but then I shan't complain as everybody takes different things from different performances.

Now, I have a friend who swears blind that Avatar is the greatest film of all time. It's probably not a coincidence that she's also from Essex, but that's neither here nor there. The problem I have is the fact she's dismissing the Hurt Locker out of hand. Probably because it's not caked in CG and actually relies on people getting involved with the characters in the film rather than being distracted by the sheer prettiness of it. Even I will admit that I was a little taken in by Avatar and it's smoke and mirror performance, because it is very pretty indeed. But to dismiss a movie just because a different movie happens to exist is a bit of a joke.

The Oscars have a habit of handing out the wrong awards too. 1994. Pulp Fiction was released. Generally regarded by most people as one of the greatest movies of all time. It has changed the way people look at cinema and is always featured in my top 3 movies. How could it possibly lose?

Well, it could also be released at the same time as The Shawshank Redemption. Again, another movie that always sits in my top 3 movies. It didn't change anything, it was nothing revolutionary but it was just so very good at the way it did things that you simply couldn't argue that it was worthy of the best movie award. It also featured Morgan Freeman performing narration, so that was always going to work in its benefit. I want that man to read me bedtime stories, his voice is that amazing.

So, which of these two amazing pieces of cinematography won the Best Picture award?

Forrest Gump. Forrest fucking Gump won it.

There is no reason it should have, really. It's a feel-good movie, sure, and it is quite an enjoyable movie experience. It is not, however, going to feature in many peoples top 3, top 5 or even top 10 movies. I certainly can't think of anyone that rates it that highly. It's a worth best picture winner in a quiet year, I suppose, but it was anything but.

That was almost as bad as the Citizen Kane of Best Picture snubs, Citizen Kane. Which also didn't win best picture. To something that nobody can even remember without looking up. I certainly can't and I refuse to even check. It had grass in the title, I think. Beyond that I have no idea.

Anyway, I've talked about movies enough now, I've got stuff to go and do.

Just one more thing - Sof, there was a reason Jennifer's Body didn't win any oscars. Because it's appalling. Stop pretending it isn't.

A crisis of conscience?

Technically speaking, I've done nothing wrong.

That's not to say that I haven't, of course. If I were to live my life according to technicalities, I'd live a very pedantic life indeed and we all know that I am anything but pedantic. I'm not really one to preach about morals and such matters, as it's all a matter of viewpoint outside of the few obvious concepts of what right or wrong is. I tend to think that, in all honesty, I'm not that much of a prick. I get angry, shout at a lot of things and have a relatively short temper in such cases, but generally I'm an alright kind of guy. I offend due to my sense of humour but nothing I joke about has any reflection on my feelings of the matter.

I'm generally quite a solitary person in regards to any problems I might have. I'm just not that bothered about talking about problems. Problems get solved. If I need help, then I'll ask, but otherwise these things don't need to be discussed. Of course, I'm a complete hypocrite in the sense that I will force my friends at gunpoint to discuss their problems. That's because they show when something is up and therefore open it up to discussion. I'm reclusive and so they know not that there is an issue.

So the fact I'm even revealing the fact I have this crisis is quite an odd fact, however sometimes one just needs to vent. The fact that I'm aware of two people who read this blog doesn't really hurt the matter either. Obviously, I'm not going to reveal anything. Not unless it gets worse, in which case you'll find me in the nearest off license purchasing the cheapest vodka known to man and will shortly be in attendance at the nearest tree blasting power ballads from my headphones. You're welcome to join me.

This blog post isn't really the greatest thing I've ever written, but from the subject matter, I assume you could've guessed that I'm not really in the right frame of mind.

And if you couldn't figure that out, there's no point in me even insulting you, because you clearly can't fucking read.